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“Just wear the condom all day. No one will know”

“We’re going to Austria? Where the polar bears and penguins are?”

“It’s John Legend, not Lennon. Get it right, please.”

“Well, George Bush is the one that took us to Vietnam, right?”

"Nah man, an Amazon would kill you after she fucks you."

          “But think of the boobs.”

“We could use him as the sacrificial lamb, you know? That would be the way to go.”

"My mom had to leave work early because of it all."

          “Wait, I thought your mom worked at home?”

"She does."

“He told me to call him ‘daddy’, but then I started crying because my dad’s dead, and he had no idea why I started crying in the middle of it. We haven’t talked in two days.”

“Carrots are the lettuce of vegetables.”

“My third grade teacher drew a picture of me crucified on a cross.”